Saturday, May 28, 2005

La Dee Da

Cowboy Bebop, a genre all it's own. I'm watching it now as I type.

I've been playing guitar a bit, I'm enjoying being able to play things I couldn't play before, but I can't write lyrics anymore. I just feel like I can't write anything anymore. My creativity is gone. I want to be a writer, but if I can't write any more what am I going to do?

Creativity has seeped from my mind, I lose my trains of thought before they leave the station. I run out of fuel and I just give up. I live out my life as if this is all there is. My life is forfeit to God, but what is He doing with it? I'm excited to begin this bible-study on tuesday. Fellowship is something I miss. I have meaning in life, but the things I enjoy have gone from my life.

I want to disappear for a while, be on my own with no obligation to anyone, really find myself. England sounds nice.

I'm happy Elizabeth is back in town, I missed her while she was gone. I can't wait until we can start our life together. As to how England relates to this, I would love for her to come with me.

I need to get my life with God fully straight before Elizabeth and I can start our life together though. I'm sure she'll read this, but she knows my heart and how important my relationship with God is to me. He will always be first in my life, and I know that will make our relationship stronger. I pray that she'll continue to put God before me in her life as well.

I care about her so much. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I leave it in God's hands, but I do get impatient now and then. It's not bad, but sometimes I just want what I want when I want it. God's timing is perfect, mine is flawed like none other, so I'll wait. I just want to make her happy, help make her life easy. But that's not life. It's never easy, even with God. He puts difficulties in our way to make us trust him, and I don't want my interference to get in the way of her relationship with Him. But sometimes it's hard to watch people you care about suffer. I never want to spare her from a chance to grow. Pain often leads to growth, I know, I've experienced a great deal of it in my short life. Not to the same degree as others, but pain is pain. It hurts and seems like it'll never go away, like you'll never recover, but God can use it to make you stronger, if you let Him.

Now that I've rambled, I'll let you get on with your life.

Till next time.

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