Thursday, June 30, 2005

The World, it spins

I sit quietly, alone in the dark. The visions start again, visions of the future? No it is the madness again. All around me my sight it blurs. Flowing from my eyes, the tears run down my face. Incapacitated, I cannot breathe, I cannot move, I cannot see. Abandoned, all alone, no one beside, lost and alone.

The pain brings this madness time and again, I cannot control it, it won't go away. Around me it seems everything is in order, I do as I'm told by the One who rules me, and yet I am punished for a crime uncommitted, thrown from the path that He led me on. Who is wrong, the pained or the punisher? I want to believe that I am in the wrong, but the more I look at it, I cannot find my fault. I don't want to hate, to blame the one I love, and so the madness sets it, trying to confuse my mixed up thoughts.

The order of things has been run into the ground, as I lay here in torment, I begin to hear sounds. What is that, someone crying? Yes, it is I. For the pain that makes me feel like I'm bursting won't subside. I desire peace, an end to my torment, I cry for mercy, justice and rest. I do not wish to die, don't get me wrong. I long for sleep, but it will not come.

Oh to sleep in the arms of my Savior, the peace that He brings would be welcome now. To lay my head against His shoulder, never again to wake, that is what I desire. An end to my pain that inconveniences no one. But this peace will not come, so I resign myself to madness. Pain is my life, should I laugh.....or ignore it?

Saturday, June 25, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play

One week later....

So, in cases like this, people tend to lose thier focus, especially on God, but that hasn't happened. I have not lost my dedication to the life that God has called me to. I'm starting to feel the pain again, it comes and goes. It's hard to let go of the idea that God brought someone into your life to minister with. It really hurts, but I still believe he brought Elizabeth and me together for a reason. When the time is right, He will reveal that reason to me, and until he does, I'll do my best to minister to the people in my life. I want to continue the bible-study, but I need a godly woman there too. There are enough women at the bible-study that I need someone who can minister effectively. I still believe that is Elizabeth, but I don't have any choice in the matter. She doesn't want to be involved in any aspect of my life at the moment, and I know she wants me to keep my distance. I pray that God will grab ahold of her and lead her where He wants her, even if that means I never see her again.

My faith will remain strong. God is my savior, I can't live without Him. I can live without Elizabeth, even though that hurts, it's possible, but I can't let go of God just because I don't see his plan.

It doesn't change my feelings toward her, I would still lay down my life for her, if that's what God wanted.

On another note, Gabe and I will be starting another Blog. This is going to be an awesome story, that may have a bunch of elements to it that will apeal to several different audiences. We'll keep you posted, but this is super exciting.

After I pay off my car (sometime this winter) I'm going to take a small vacation. I want to go to England!!! It'll be fun. Anyway, that's all the news that is news. I don't know who is reading this, but if it's Elizabeth, I'm praying for you, God will continue to lead you as long as you are willing to follow. Be willing to sacrifice what you want for what He tells you is best.

Monday, June 20, 2005


Ok, so it's been a crazy week. Last Tuesday, Elizabeth and I sat down and talked and I found out that she felt God leading her to brake up with me. I wasn't devastated, but I was surprised and hurt. I didn't hear from her again until last night when we sat down and actually talked about what was going on. The long of the short is, God is calling us in different directions now, so we both agree that we should not be in a relationship. We don't see ourselves getting back together, but we are still going to hang out occasionally.

It doesn't hurt anymore, the conversation confirmed things in my life and my relationship with God, and I know this is best. That doesn't mean I don't still want to be with her, but that will come and go. I know God has different plans for our lives, and I pray he will bless the both of us as we seek out our futures in Him.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Episode III

So, I know it's late, but now for my Star Wars rant. I saw it opening day (not the midnight showing, you freaks) and I have to say I was disappointed. Does anyone else share my sentiment? This trilogy just didn't stack up to the original. I mean, I was entertained by the movie, but it just left me feeling like I'd lost a part of my soul. I wanted to cry, not cause I was sad, but because it just lacked what it needed to live up to the cult. Oh well, that's just my opinion.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Bible Study

So Tuesday didn't happen this week, nobody came. They did say they would come next week, so here's hoping.

Elizabeth and I talked to our parents on Monday about marriage. We're kind of considering next April, but we're open to God changing that. Elizabeth's parents think we are moving to fast, and mine think we are moving too slow. We'll just continue to pray and try to do what God wants us to do.