I find myself having a day off, not wanting to read, not wanting to write, not even wanting to play video games. I spent three hours at work (not working) because I am so desparately lonely that I just want people to chat with. If I don't get into some sort of life-fulfilling routine, I don't know what'll happen. Gabe has to work today, but when he gets home, I'm not going to want to hang out. Steve is entertaining his parents this weekend. All my other friends are either busy or married, so they have more important things to do.
I know I should be motivating myself to get some writing done, that is after all my passion, but as I sit unloading the contents of my brain, I am rather surprised by the speed at which I type. I need to get all this stuff out. Since I heard from Elizabeth two weeks ago, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, and that's pissing me off. I don't want to think about her, I don't want to have anything to do with her, but I seem incabable of hating her, and I don't want to, I just want to forget her. I wish she could read this so she would know, cause if I told her I'm afraid I'd hurt her, and I don't want to do that, I just want to forget her, move on with my life.
That's another thing, I want to get my life moving again. I feel so stagnant. Tom is still thinking about aplying for that job, instead of actually doing it. I just want something to happen. I'm tired of waiting around, and I don't know what to do. I never seem to have anything to do but wait. The little action I ever get is over so quickly, then I spend more and more time waiting.
When will it be my turn for life to happen? My family is getting along nicely in their business, Gabe has tons going on; his blog, his family, his job. Steve likewise.
Tyler is joining the army, ships out nov 3. Tom has a booming social life. It seems I just am the boring one, as always. When do I get to write happy blogs, instead of feeling like b**ching about what's not happening to my life.
I just feel like my life is being wasted. Give me something to do, let me hang out with people, let me talk to someone. I'm sick of living life by myself. I want to share it with someone. I want to do more than just work in a bookstore. I want to write, but when will I get any good at it? I want to pay off my car, I want to go to London. I want to stop living MY life. I want the life in my dreams, where I mean something to everyone around me, and I enjoy everything that I do. I want to do something that really means something to ME. Not putzing around for two or three more years, waiting for something to happen. I want OPPORTUNITIES, I want something to HAPPEN!!!!! When? Why must I continue to wait? When will I get out of my rut?
I feel like the black sheep. Why am I so different? When will I be remembered. I know what's going to happen too: Gabe's going to read this, and he's going to write a comment about how I do mean smething to people, how God's timing is perfect, I just need to be patient. Erik might say something encouraging too, but that won't change how I feel.
I used to have a good deal of people in my life, people I could rely on, and not all of them were guys. I know we can never go back to the way things were. But I want women in my life again. I so want to share my life with a special one, and as I sit here, at my keyboard, struggling to contain my tears, I just wonder, when will my suffering end? When will I get to praise God for the big things, instead of just for the small. I know He still loves me, and I am greatful for the small things in my life, but I feel just so empty and alone. I don't want to do this anymore.