Friday, December 29, 2006

I feel sick

So, my parents are having a....misunderstanding and my Mom is at a hotel for the weekend. They have both told me that things will be fine, but somehow, I don't believe it. So I'm eating cereal, trying not to vomit, and wondering if I can keep my OCD/addictive personality under control. Oh yeah, have I mentioned depression is hereditary? Not that I intend on ruining my own life, but I feel like I'm in danger....of at least losing my mind.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Revision

Ok, so I'm less than half way through the first step sheet in my revisions and I've already made significant changes. These are important changes and I like them, so I'm excited. The only reason I'm quitting for now (and possibly for the day) is because my eyes are weirding out and I don't want to damage my vision. Anyway, I'll explain in detail how I'm going about this writing process next time I post. Promise.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

CIA

I just saw The Good Shepherd. Good movie, but long. It's not your typical spy movie, so don't go expecting a high action flick. For those of you who don't like smart movies, the type you have to pay attention to, you won't like it. More later.....maybe.

I'm typing out my step sheet now. I want to have all revisions done by the time school starts so I can get audience input on any changes and/or additions to be made. I hope to start writing hard-core by May, but school may interfere.

Anyway, off to bed.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Ho Ho Humbug

So, I had some crappy Christmases the last three years. Don't let the post title fool you, I don't expect the same this year, though it'll take a miracle to keep me from getting depressed again. I know I don't want to spend the entire day with my family, I want to spend time with my friends also. My family is important to me, but so is the extended fam......those people who aren't related by blood but mean just as much to me. I don't know if or what they will be doing, but I hope I get to do something with them.

On a similar note, I've been longing for marriage again, and I know that will bring me down some. That's another reason why I want to spend time with my friends. It's either that or working on that bottle of Jameson I have in the freezer (not desirable). So, pray that I don't get depressed this Christmas. Pray that I bring glory to God, and that I will patiently wait for the woman God has for me.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Snow and stuff

So my two brothers and I spent about four hours digging out two cars today. There's a third one more burried because of how much snow we had to get out from in front of our cars (two to three feet in places). Now it's piled at least five feet high in front of my mom's car. Good thing they won't need it any time soon.....too bad that's because they're stuck in Kansas. I-70 is closed :P

I beat the Legend of Zelda game for the Wii.....awesome. I don't do reviews, but if you want to know how it went, ask me in person.

As much as I've liked having a three day weekend, I'm actually glad to be working tomorrow. It'll give me something to do.

Not much writing done today because of the digging.

Tired, gonna get more food, watch a movie, maybe drink some Jameson (Mmm, yummm :)).

See ya'll later.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Work work work

I'm hoping that I don't have to work tomorrow since I'm not scheduled to. But with my store closing today, and a blizzard warning in effect until late tomorrow, I might have to cover for someone. That is, if I can get out of my driveway in my tiny honda civic. There's seriously at least a foot of snow around my car....and I shoveled this afternoon!

I got some writing done, and I think I'll be able to make my deadline for the stepsheet. I'm excited!

Off to dream of a beautiful Irish lass......if you know any looking for marriage send her my way ;)

It's snowing...

So my store is closed today. That means I don't work....which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how much I do today. As soon as I finish posting this, I'm going to eat my lunch and work on that mystery I've been working on for almost a year.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Class is OVER!

I am DONE with school for the year. No more classes until Jan 16. WO HOOO! Anyway, I'm going to pick up my novel outline tomorrow and get that running again. Updates will follow.

O yeah, The Wii Rocks!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Fun evening

So, I didn't get as much studying done this evening (Dec 1) as I wanted to. My little brother cut his finger, so I had to take him to the hospital to get it glued shut. I just got home from Denny's where I ate with a friend who tagged along. Going to catch up on my WebComics and go to bed. I hope I get my homework finished today so I can hang out with friends on Sunday.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Woo hoo

The semester is almost done, and my grades are looking good. I'm excited to have free time again so that I can write my novel.

Listening to a Jazz Christmas station on pandora....Charlie Brown (Vince Guaraldi) themed. I like it ALOT!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Holy crap....

I actually managed to get an FC post up. Check it out, tell your friends. I don't know how long it will be until the next one is up, but I may have ideas soon. I want to get two a month by February, but I'm setting a goal for one a week to push my limits. Flatiron City

Remembering Brynly

This last February, Quill & Think assigned a story poem challenge to its members. Since I've been reading poetry for school lately, I thought I'd go and take a look at the one that I'd written. After looking it over, I made some revisions, and this is what I have:

Ol’ Topply’s Tears
By Giles

Old dear Topply plays his fiddle quick as a sprite
While young, sweat Brynly dances on his right.
Gaily they sing of days gone by
While tears of great joy stream out of my eye.

I sit and sip on a pint glass o’ beer,
Rememb’rin’ the love of a summer last year;
She’d orn’ment herself in the lilies of spring
And dance in the center of mystic Faery rings.

Topply now changes to a tune of despair,
Sweat young Brynly unties her red hair.
The fiddle it moans of a winter gone past
And a love and a loss of Topply’s Ol’ Lass

Her name was Faer Finola, her hair was bright as gold,
But the heavens came and took her as the air grew still and cold.
Nine months she’d been with child, nine months she’d swelled with joy,
For Topply and Finola thought they’d raise a grand ol’ boy.

But as the snows started fallin’ on the roofs of our small town,
Finola’s pain came on her so the midwife laid her down.
“Oh no the pain ain’t stoppin’,” cried the nurse with much alarm.
Poor Topply ran in prayin’, but the birth had done its harm.

Finola laid there cold in bed not a breath left in her breast,
But Topply stemmed the flow of tears and held his baby to his chest.
He looked down at the newborn child with a curly lock o’ red,
“I think I’ll call you Brynly, dear, from a book that I once read.”

As I heard Sweat Brynly’s tail, I rose up to my feet
“Ol’ Topply, here’s to you good man,” and I downed my liquid peat.
Ol’ Topply raised his hand to mine as I walk on toward the door,
Brynly smiled her thanks to me, like her mother years before.


The project was to write a story poem inspired by another poem. I chose a poem written by J.R.R. Tolkien, but I have to admit that I was also listening to a Flogging Molly CD (can't remember which one). No, I did not copy any of their ideas, I just felt like I was writing something that reminded me of something. Think whatever you like about the poem, I know it's not all that good, especially compared to Tolkien.

If you want to read the orriginal, it can be found here. You'll need to scroll down a bit because the entire month is archived, and this was a very active month for us.

Wii

Yeah, I got one on launch day....not at midnight, but still, I have it, I love it, any cracks about the graphics and you can just.....go away. This is GAMEPLAY we're talking about. Awesome, butt-kicking, motion-sensitive gameplay. I'm drooling just thinking about the Nintendo-ee awesomeness.

P.S. I'm not gay, so stop asking. (long story)

P.P.S. I need a girlfriend.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Not sick

Not anymore, anyway. I'm really glad, in retrospect, that I called in sick yesterday. It was exactly what I needed, and if I hadn't I would have been miserable all day yesterday, all day today, and probably all day tomorrow. Just sayin...I'm feeling better.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Ug

So I called in sick today. I feel like crap, too. Not so much because I'm sick, but because I'm missing work. I feel just good enough to sit up and stare at stuff, and I've been getting this way off and on since school started. I hate missing work, and I hate that I feel bad enough that I had to today. I just hope I feel better on Wednesday when I have to go back.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Prestige

Gotta say, one of the best movies I've seen this year. I'm not good at reviewing movies, I can just tell you that the character developement was good, the cinematography was awesome, and the plot kept me guessing the intire time. Check it out.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Black dad+White mom+dreadlocks=vandal?

Last night I went over to Jeremy's apartment to hang out.....like I do every Sunday night, and as I'm driving out of the complex I saw a police officer sitting on the side of the road. I thought he was simply trying to catch late night traffic violators, so with that in mind, as I'm pulling through an intersection on a green light (or it might have been flashing yellow, that's how late it was) I look behind me and see flashing red&blues. Now, I don't think I have up-to-date proof of insurance in my car, so I'm in a minor panic trying to think about when I can actually get into court to prove that I do indeed have valid insurance.

Anyway, I rolled my window down, and the officer assures me that I'm not getting pulled over for a traffic violations (which was good because I hadn't committed one!). He asked me if I lived at the apartment complex that I just pulled out from, I said no, but I was there hanging out with friends every Sunday. Then he asked me if I knew anything about the "guy on the bike". You see, Justin doesn't have a car, so he rides his bike everywhere. He is also black and has dreadlocks about two and a half feet long. I chuckled mildly (maybe nervously) and said, "Yeah, he's one of the guys who I hang out with every week. He's also one of my coworkers."

The officer told me that Justin looked like a guy they'd arrested a couple months ago for spraypainting in that complex, and he just wanted to make sure it wasn't happening again, though how anyone could tell that Justin looked like anyone other than Jr. Gong with as little light as there was on that particular street is beyond me. I assured the policeman that Justin was not the same man, and then I caught up to Justin, who was riding his bike on the same street that I was on, and related the amusing incident to him.

Now, I know some of you might get mad at this "racial profiling", but when you hang out with Justin as much as I do, it doesn't bother you that much. Justin might have gotten mad, but I didn't see it. I think he just found it funny in an "I'm disappointed in humanity" kind of way.

That's my anecdote for the day, now that I have a day off from work, I'm going to work on more homework :(

PS, blogger spellcheck wanted me to replace "dreadlocks" with "teratology". Bwuh?

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Never expected to see her again

So Elizabeth (my ex) was at my store today. I didn't talk to her, I had important stuff to take care of. My grandma had a minor stroke this afternoon, and I had to see how she was doing. So I didn't talk to Elizabeth because the people who are still in my life are more important. If she ever shows up again, and I have time, sure, I'll talk to her. Anyway, I didn't get mad or anything, it kind of weirded me out, but I think I could talk with her. I think I'm actually over her for good.

On that note, I never want to date. Just thought I'd reiterate that point from over a year ago (for those of you keeping up) I never, EVER want to date ever again. I just want to get married, at some point. Have fun.

PS, I'm watching High Fidelity again.

Edit: I finally saw Heroes today.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Heroes Update

Ok, so I just checked on NBC.com, Heroes is playing now. I might be able to squeeze in the episode some time this week....but I have to work on my THREE essays. That's right, I said three! Just pray for me. I have all day on thursday to work on them (but Steve, I should make it up to Novo) and I have next monday off.....and tuesday. Just pray that I manage my time properly.

About my flipping out yesterday, I know Heroes is just a TV show, but for some reason it makes me feel better about myself. So maybe I'm going through some early life crisis (too young for midlife). Anyway, sometimes I feel like I'm being scattered and pulled in too many directions and failing at most of my attempts to do something for other people. I've done many things for self-improvement, and they are taking effect, but I feel like the people who are important to me aren't getting the greatest benefits from my presence, if any.

I really want to help people and it seems like there are too many to help and I don't have enough resourses to help them. I did have a positive effect on one of my coworkers this week, though, so that's a praise.

Please pray that I continue to seek God with my entire being, especially since I don't really have a church to call home. That's something that I miss. I know I have Bible study on thursday nights, but I want a church service too.

So that's me.

Who wants to party?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Why?

So on friday I set a recording for the show Heroes, probably my favorite show this season. I got home tonight after class and when I went to watch it....IT WASN'T RECORDED!! Someone did something to screw with my recording. This wouldn't be a big deal except that I have NOOOOO!!!! OTHER!!!! WAY!!!!! OF WATCHING THIS EPISODE!!!!!! It won't play on the NBC website and it's not available to download from iTunes. This pisses me off because everyone in my house knows that I watch this show EVERY monday! I have recorded it every week for over a month, and now I won't be able to watch it because even if it is on again this week (and I checked, IT'S NOT!) I won't have time to watch because I have homework.

This is the only thing I can do on mondays that helps me to relax, and now I missed it. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

And any of you who have anything to say about me getting upset about not getting to watch my show....you have rituals that keep you sane durring the week so don't say a word unless you can get the episode to me in HiDef!

Agghh! Makes me so MAD, especially because I go out of my way for the people that did this to me when they want to watch a show, or have me record it. Is this too much to ask for? One night in the week where I get to watch something that helps me relax? It's better than drinking!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Snow

was awesome. I made it to school, but the tutor wasn't working that day, so I coudn't work with her. I emailed my essay draft (after working on it all afternoon) to one of my coworkers, so I shouldn't have much more work on the project. I'm hoping to have it complete within a week or two.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Do

I hope it doesn't snow too much tonight and tomorrow. I just need to be able to get to school so I can work on my essay with the tutor. I really need to work with her. Anyway...on to other things.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Guess what I'm doing

I'm blogging and watching the Green Day DVD, "Bullet in a Bible", and at ten I'm going to the Yard House for happy hour with some friends from work. Now guess what I SHOULD be doing.....

That's right, I should be working on my essay, but do I want to do that? No. Why? Because I need help from a tutor anyway, I'll get my thoughts sorted out, and then I'll work with her. So no rush.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Another freewrite

I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now, typing away on my mom's laptop in the hopes that I can get something on paper to work with on my essay. I only need one more source and one more quote....I think. Yeah, that's right. Anyway, I want to write something.....junkfood. That's what I want to read now, too. Just some junkfood reading, no highclass fiction. Anyway, I might work on an FC post, but I won't post anything there until I have at least five posts ready. That way we have a few items ready to go and you get to read some stories by me a couple weeks in a row.

Here goes the junkfood:

Hi, my name is Pierre. I was born in Montreal, but I live in Denver, CO. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, I know your name, but who are you?" Well, that's a good question. Who are any of us, really? But I'm sure you don't really care, phillosophically speaking. I am a hitman. "Really," you think. "That seems a little cliche, especially considering the person writing this story." Well, it's the truth, and you can take any preconceived notions about how this is going to turn out and place them in a location to be disclosed at a later date.

I live in Denver because it's beautiful here, and I've been shadowing my current target for the last two years.

"Who is he?" you ask.

Well, what makes you think it's a "he"? It's not nice to assume. Besides, if I told you his name (go ahead and grin, it is a man) you'd be able to tell the cops who killed him. I can see him from where I sit, though. He's sitting on a couch in a local coffee shop, listening to music, I think. He has books spread out around him, but he isn't really looking through any of the. I'm sure you and I both think he's taking a break from studying.

Can you see him? He has short hair, a little scruffy. He thinks it's fassionable, but the blue jeans and tee shirt contradict that statement. His glasses have a simmilarly fassionable look to them, almost as if he belongs in nice suit. He should eat more, too.

Why do you care about where we are? Leave it alone, I can't tell you.

He's typing away on a laptop, probably for a class. I wonder if he know's I'm watching him.

No, I'm not going to kill him yet, there's too many people in here.

Oh, he's getting up. He's walking over to the counter, ordering a drink. Going to smoke while your drink is being made? Bad move. I pack up my things, step outside, I introduce myself and shake his hand. He doesn't know that I just poisoned him with a needle in my palm!

It won't be long now, he'll go back inside, get his drink, sit back down to type some more, but by the time he

Did I just stop?

No....I just forgot something. I didn't take my notebook to school today, and I was planning on working with the tutor at the writing center. Oh well. I need to do a little bit more research and I need to organize my thoughts. I'll be able to do it next week some time. I'll get a great deal done in the next couple of weeks, so don't expect many posts from me. (Not that you do, anyway).

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

And the Beat Goes On

Studying at Auraria was a total success. I only need two more quotes and one more source, then I simply have to write the essay. That is a HUGE praise Jesus.

On a heavier note, my dad woke up this morning with a terrible pain in his side. They (my parents and little brother) were staying at a restarea for the night, but they were close enough to Russel Kansas to get him to a hospital. Turns out he had a kidney stone....OUCH!

He got ambulanced over to Hayz, where a surgeon removed the stone(s). So my family is staying at a hotel in Kansas tonight.

On a lighter note, it's snowing.....has been most of the day! Awesome....bout time! I love the snow.

Watching High Fidelity now......on of my favorite movies EVER!

I should be finishing my rrj for intro to lit, but I don't feel like it. I studied most of the day, and I'm just completely worn out. Besides, I'll study tomorrow.

I think next semester I'm going to take my classes a bit lighter so I can work on writing too. I don't even want to take most of the required classes for the AA, not to mention the BA. I just want to write, but I need the education (not the degree) if I want to be a professional writer. The degree wouldn't hurt my job options.

Back to my life.

Monday, October 16, 2006

ON and on and on I go

I will be heading down-town to the Auraria (sp?) Campus to use their library tomorrow. The library at the school I'm attending at the moment is just too small for all of the research I need to do, and I'm hoping one of the librarians will be able to help me learn how to do all of that research. I never learned how to write a research essay. (yikes). I really want to do well in this class, but if I can't come up with anything, I'll retake the class after I know what I'm doing. I'd hate to drop it, but that's a last-ditch effort to avoid a low GPA. I'm not worried.....I still have a month to finish the essay, and I have ideas and a couple of sources.

On to other things.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Wu huh?

So, I'm supposed to be excited about writing, and I AM excited, but I just can't get with it.....writing. I feel sooo........um.....I dunno. I just want....someone to talk to? No, that's not it, someone to talk with. I want to have conversations with people. I went to the coffee shop where Steve works today, and that was fun. I'm enjoying my homework, too. I'm really excited about going to a college library for my research project, too.

So....conversations. I want to talk with people. "Bible study" tonight was kinda boring. Nobody showed up so we sat around and watched TV. Instead of doing something fun, like playing a board game or going out somewhere. I shoulda said something, but they opened the beers before I had the chance.

So, maybe that's why I want to "date" someone. But I don't want to date anyone. I just want to hang out with a bunch of my friends and talk about God. That's what I really want. :P

Friday, September 29, 2006

Anxiety Attack

Um....so my project is becoming overwhelming now. I've started doing research, and the only thing that I've discovered is that I don't have a freaking clue what the teacher is looking for.....and I'm ten seconds away from dropping the class.......or pulling out my hair.

I need a drink. Too bad I need to pick my mom up from the airport.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Free write to get the juices flowing

So, I'm supposed to write this looooong project on "Hamlet", "The Glass Menagerie", and Arthur Miller's essay, "Tragedy and the Common Man". Am I up to it? I don't know. I have until Nov. 21 to get the essay written, so now I need to work an a reader response journal on "Hamlet", acts IV and V. I really enjoyed Hamlet, and if you haven't read it, I think you should. Also, try to see one of the movie adaptations (The Lion King sort of counts, but see one actually entitled "Hamlet").

Anyway, I think I have an idea for my RRJ, so I'm going to go into my word program and write that. Enjoy your day.

P.S. When I've completed this semester, I might just post some of the stuff I wrote on this blog, if any of you are interested in reading it.

P.P.S. I'm working on stuff for FC, so when I have time, we'll see some stories again! YAY

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Going well

So school is cool. I like learning, and I've really enjoyed getting different ideas from all of the stuff I've been reading. Now I have a drama paper that's due in two months, and my professor is going to be helpful if I need him to be, but I'm still not sure how to do this whole essay thing. So, if you think of it, pray for me and my patience and that I'll do a good job at my schoolwork. First french test will be on monday. Yay fun:)

Friday, September 15, 2006

Monday, September 04, 2006

Ok...

So I just don't give a (insert epithet). That's about all I have to say. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of my boss. I'm sick of everyone attacking me.

School's going well, as far as I can tell, but I have some revision to do on this week's work. I'll be working on that tomorrow after work. That was kind of the plan all weekend, since I sort of slacked off to rest. It's not going to be too hard. I just have to knuckle down.

I'm really upset about missing Bible study this week. I had to work, and one of the classes I had to take is on another night that I'd wanted to go to Bible study. I'm not paying as much attention to the Bible as I should be, either. I've been reading every day, but my mind has been distracted by school. That will change as I start to get into the swing, I just need prayer for a while. This is when I wish I could just go to school full time and not have to work. Then I would have more time to do what I need to do.

I feel like crap.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

.....from the heart

I struggle for words to tell you how I feel, and as I sit here to write, I just can't do it poetically, so here goes, from the heart, the ugly, simple truth.

I feel alone. I have family and friends, a handful of people that i trust, but there is still something lacking, I feel. I want something to fill the void, to make the pain go away. Pain is real, I don't know why, but the absence brings me to tears in ways that I never thought anything could. Small things make me long for something great, but it never comes. Movies bring desires, not unholy, just that tugging of my heart to find what's missing. I pray to God, "Take it away, let me be in peace. Fill me up so that I am content with you. God please, take away the pain."

I don't know what to do, the only solution to this problem seems years distant and very impractical for my current situation. I have school that I have to focus on, as well as my job. I am content with the current situation in my life, except in my relationship with God (as it should be, and I am seeking Him more than I have in a long time), and in this situation.

I hate the negative feeling, and I hate that I use this blog to be so negative, but it feels so trivial when I'm around other people, like I'm just trying to get attention, being selfish. But it still HURTS! Do you understand?

I see my parents so happy in thier relationship with each other, and I want that, but I don't. I want the desire to go away because I can't fulfill it, I don't have the power.

I feel so alone in my thoughts. it hurts, and I can't stop the tears. I may sound emo or whatever you want to call me, but this is how I feel, and if you don't like it, then piss off, I don't want you around. I'm not asking for advice, I know what I have to do, but it doesn't lessen the pain. I have to tell someone. Will anyone hear me? Does it matter if they do or don't? Who can do anything about this?

I am patient, more than willing to wait for whoever God has for me, just please take away the pain. Make it stop. God fold me in Your arms and let me know I'm loved by You.

I'm getting better at praying for others because I don't want to be selfcentered, so when I start feeling this way, I make sure that I'm focussing on my friends and family, praying for them and praising God for everything He's done for me.

This doesn't really help. Nothing does anymore. I need ...................................................................................
I don't know what I need. No, I do: I need peace. I need this to go away so that I can focus completely on Him. No distractions. GOD MAKE IT STOP!!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Almost a month

.....whoa! I'm back, briefly. Just a short story from sunday.

I got off of work at 2 in the afternoon on sunday, went to church by 5:45. I was really excited to be back at church, but before we even got seated I got a phonecall from a number I didn't recognize. The person told me her name, and it sounded like "Beth", but not the Beth that I knew, and the tone of her voice sounded like Elizabeth, my ex. So I thought maybe my phone was cutting out on me and I couldn't hear the entire anouncement of her voice.

This girl said she had an emergency with one of her best friends, and she needed a ride and I was the only one she could rely on (with a car). I found out a moment later that it was someone I knew from work, but through most of the entire conversation I thought it was Elizabeth. And the cool thing is, I was more than willing to help her. I didn't have one negative thought, and even if it hadn't turned out to be the other person, I would have skipped out on my plans for the night.

It's encouraging to know that I truly don't hold anything against my ex-girlfriend.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What to do?

I feel myself drawn in one of two directions....ok three. I really need Christian people to hang out with, and I have a night off but I don't know any churches that have a service tonight. At least not where I can FELLOWSHIP. All they have is a midweek worship service so large that no one is really going to talk with me, and no one will be my age anyway. So option TWO, see if my non-christian friends want to hang out, and as much as I enjoy hanging out with them, I'm just not in the mood tonight. Option three.........drinking until I pass out. I've never done that before, and it doesn't sound appealing, but I'm sick of sitting at home by myself. I just don't want to feel anything any more. I'm not going to a club because real people don't go to clubs. They are all fake and immature. I give up.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

A year ago

It's interesting where life can take you. A year ago this week Elizabeth broke up with me. I've been reading what I wrote last year, and it's weird to see what I was thinking back then. In a year I've changed a lot, and I've grown. I know I'm more mature now, and I know who I am and where I stand with God, and I have a better idea of where He's taking me. That'll change, I'm sure, but as for right now, I have a better clue than I did last year. Am I excited? Not really. But I'm willing and ready for whatever God has for me. I can handle pain, and I trust him. Hit with the Curve Ball, let's see what happens.

I humble myself at the foot of the Cross. Blessed Savior, draw me close to you. Thank you for the growth you have brought me through.

What on earth?

I actually have some sort of consistency to my posting.....wow!

So, tonight I hung out with some friends I haven't really seen in a long time. It's been almost two years since I had a real conversation with one of them, Rachel (for those of you questioning, she is the VERY loose inspiration for Rachel of Flatiron City), another (Hannah, the oldest) it's been about three, same with Rebecca (the youngest, and I'm really, really, REALLY sorry if I misspelled your name, don't hate me).

It was a lot of fun. We played pool at Jillian's, then went to the Yard House and sat on the patio and just chit chatted. Fun stuff.

I'm hoping to get together with Rachel again so we can catch up. She was one of my closest friends when I was living out in Portland, we talked on the phone a lot because she lived out here, and I just wandered off through my relationships with Sara and then Elizabeth. And it's taken me a year to get to a point where I don't feel like I would do anything stupid that could ruin the friendship like I did with Elizabeth. So hopefully we'll be able to talk and hang out occasionally.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say, except Gabe is a jerk, and if you don't know why, ask him about Mix Master Mike :P

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Writelly doo

Umm....blogger is looking wierd.

I went to lunch with my grandparents, had a good time. It's nice to catch up with the fam.

Words:

Return to the life I used to love, time has run out and I'm no longer the same. No one really understands me, and I don't understand them. My life is good, my love is great. I'm not motivated to be creative at the moment. Here it goes.

Katsuro looked out his window as the sun set behind the mountains. He'd just returned from London to visit his folks, and he was riding the high of being back to his birthplace. He glanced over the numbers for his Tea Gallery and smiled at Rachel's success running the shop in his absence.

He pulled a bottle of vodka from his cabinet, poured a shot and headed to bed. Tomorrow would see Katsuro back in his daily routine, running Hanaka Nippon Tea Gallery.

Sorry, that's all I got. If you want to read about Katsuro, check out flatironcity.com. For those of you not in the know:)

Late at night, time to "ZzzzZzzZZZzzzzzz"

Huh? Oh yeah, I guess it's not all that late, only half past midnight. Listening to the old Pandora mix.

I've been chilling out on a Christian message board this afternoon, and it's actually been kind of fun. I still don't like internet socializing, but that's because it's not real human interaction. NO IT ISN'T, DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE ME OTHER WISE. Get out of your house and DOOO SOMMETHIIIING!!!lol

Ok. Anyway. I need to figure out something to do on Saturday now that church has been moved to Sunday nights.

If any of the peeps who knows me wants to do something, let me know. I want to do something engaging, intelectual, conversational. All that jazz. No, I don't want to go to a jazz show, you can't talk at a concert :P

So yeah, I want to write something again, so I should sit down and do that tomorrow, but not now because my head is spinning, wich is no fair because I didn't go get any vodka or rum tonight. I'd like some rum, or vodka, or maybe just a beer. Ho hummmmm. Hm Hm Dum dm. Randomness is fun some times.

Call me, e-mail me, leave me a comment. If you wanna chat, we can chat. :D

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wife and kids

No, this isn't what you expected:)

So I'm at work the other day, and my buddy's girlfriend walks up and asks when I got a girlfriend. I look at her, rather puzzled, and say, "I don't have one." apparently, one of her coworkers THOUGHT I had a gf, so she was rather confused, and my buds gf wanted to harass me about my new girlfriend.

I've known these people a couple of months now, so they started speculating on how probable it was that I DID have a gf, and I was just really good at hiding it because I didn't want nosy people bursting into my life. This escalated into the "obvious" fact that I actually have a wife and three kids.

I assured them this was far from the truth because if it WAS true, I would not be so down about feeling ALONE!!

We went back and forth for about 30 minutes as to my "arguments" just being part of my cover, and me insisting that I'm still single.

I thought it was rather funny, just thought I'd share:-)

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Paradox

So, I interviewed for a promotion today, but I don't know if I want it. The interview went well, I'm the only one who applied, and it would be more money. Scheduling isn't really an issue, the only bonus would be more money, but that's not all that important to me any more. My priority is school right now, and this could sort of get in the way. I could get really stressed out too. I just don't know what to do. I'm not too sure I want the job, or if I wanted it when I applied.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Good news

Ok, so I got an interview for the position I applied for. It will mean a promotion if I get it!! And a raise! That would be God really providing for me, big time! That would be awesome. I just don't know if my school schedule will hurt my chances. That's not a HUGE deal, because if I can't go to school AND get the job, then I'll just go to school. Time to knuckle down and think about the long term future.

New subject, Cuddle Buddy: I still don't have one, and I still want one. That's really all I have to say about that, just.....hug me:(

Have a good week.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Light on the horizon?

Perhaps! I signed up for school yesterday. I'll be taking 12 credits at a local community college. Hopefully this will open more doors for me and I won't feel so stagnant. Anyway, that's about all I have to say. I'm going to school, I could use money for it, but I'm going to try and loosen up a lot, not be such a tightwad with my cash or my happiness.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Work sucks

My hours got cut again! That brings me down to 32 hours in a week, but since I'm FORCED to leave before the end of my shift on a couple of those, I'm cut down to UNDER 32 hours. That's the minimum for being full time, so if my manager keeps me that low for too long, I lose my insurence, and the moment that happens, I'm out the door! I won't tolerate the disrespect my company has shown me if they take away my right to live.

P.S. If anyone wants to buy a really nice home-espresso machine, let me know. We have one for sale in our cafe, and I really need to make the sale so I can get more hours.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Something

So I figured out a little of what's bothering me: I feel like I don't have anything to offer in any kind of relationship with anyone I know. That includes friendships. Gabe's and my friendship is different, same with Steve, but it seems that everyone at Satelite already has what I can offer from other sources. So that's it. That's the finger on the worthlessness feeling. I just don't have anything that anyone really needs.

Apparently.....

Running sound at church is an extremely high source of stress for me. Gabe is running it for me today, and I'd been feeling really out of sorts (see previous post and multiply by 10000000000). But the moment he said he'd do it for me, I felt much more at ease. I feel like I have a lot resting on my shoulders and I'm the only one who can carry the burden. I lay it down at the Feet of God and he picks it up and gives it back, with more weight than before. I don't know what to do. I've never been in control of anything, but I'm losing my sanity. I don't know how much longer I'll last.

It's that time again!

That's right, Giles is in a bad mood! It's time to go on a RANT again.

And to my two consistent readers, bear with me >:)

So, why am I pissed now? It's because I STILL don't feel like I really belong anywhere. It seems that anyone that I would be interested in getting to know already has a full life, no room for a real friendship with me! And guess what else, yeah, I want a girlfriend! Maybe it's that I want someone I can relate to, hang out with and stuff. I want to be able to talk to someone about this, someone who will talk back! I pray and I've even gotten pretty good at focussing on others while I pray, but this is STILL AN ISSUE! I blog, but that's like journalling, just writing stuff down, only people get to read it BEFORE I die. I know I can talk to Gabe and Steve about this, but they're going through the same stuff too.

And that's another thing. I wish I didn't care. I wish people could tell me their problems, and I just couldn't care less. Because then I would be able to blow off my own unimportant issues. But the fact that I care about other people makes me feel selfish when I feel this way, wich only serves to make me feel worse.

I want to just hide away somewhere where I don't ever have to come in contact with anyone ever again. I want to be a Rock and an Island. I don't want to have these unfulfilled desires, I don't want to care about other people, I don't want deal with everthing that's going on around me. I WANT PEACE AND I WANT TO BELONG AND I WANT TO MATTER!!!!!!!!!!

I want to do stuff that is going to make a difference or I just don't want to do anything. I feel much like Solomon, it's all worthless, will never mean anything, so eat drink and be marry. But I'm too poor to drink, and I sure as hell am not marry! I guess I still have food though.

I'm too the point where I just feel like ditching on everything tonight. I'm supposed to run sound at church, but I don't feel like going. I have to work on Sunday, and I don't feel like going. I just want to sit around and zone out. I'm sick of being responsible for myself, I'm sick of feeling like this and no one GIVING A SHIT!!!!!

If anyone cares, either they can't fix this problem, or they won't fix it. I know there are people who are worse off than me, but this is something that keeps happening, and it's partly because of my fucking work schedule. I work evenings and everyone else I know works days, but it's not like I'm invited to anything either. I find no solace in my writing, or in reading, or even in God. I go to Him first, laying everything before Him, but it still continues. I don't know what to do. Everyone is just too full to let me in. I don't have a home, I don't belong. I don't belong with my so called "brothers and sisters in Christ" and I don't belong in "The World". A man without a country.

And the worst part is, even though I want to skip out tonight, I know I won't. I'll go and I'll feel fine while I'm there, then I'll go home and I'll feel this way again. But who cares? I guess that's the point of this rant.

I just want something to make sence, or have someone to work this stuff out with, or............just to matter.

Depression is a bitch, and sleep, though necissary, will continue to avade the most important parts of my brain. I could sleep for a week and not feel rested. It's like nothing even matters, but habit will take control and I'll become the mindless drone once again and the few (17 weekly) who stumble across this excuse for a blog will be the only ones who know the difference. I can't do anything for anyone else, I can't make my own life better. It would seem that I live only to attempt to please God and show love to my family. That's worth something, but there has to be more.

I want more, I think I need more......or I might lose it all together. Somebody do something, I don't have anything to pull out of my hat, I don't think I even have a hat.

There's just me, but no one even knows that. But who cares, right?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bummed out

Ok, so last night I found out the church service that I've been really enjoying on Saturday nights is moving to Sunday nights. This really sucks, because I CAN'T get Sunday nights off. I'm not mad or anything, just really bummed. It's depressing 'cause it feels like I'll be getting kicked out of my home. It's like there's no real point in continuing to go either. That's how I feel, I'll still continue to go to my bible study on Thursday nights. I just have that, "I give up" feeling.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I hate math

And it's not like I'm bad at it either. I was doing quadratic equations in my head when I was seventeen. I just find it really BORING! But I need to study it so I don't get place really low when I start school this fall.

On another note, I finished scetching out Act I of my stepsheet....not finished, just done enough to do Act II.....but it was two weeks after my deadline:P Ok, that's all I have.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Ho humm

So, goals suck! I didn't make my goal for writing this week, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I haven't written anything for Flatiron City for almost a month, and I don't know the next time I will either.

My life is so up in the air, but I'm in a great mood, and I don't feel confused or anything. I guess most of that is because I'm working on something I'm passionate about, my relationship with God is the most important thing to me now, and I have friends that care about me. Plus I'm quite refreshed from my vacation!

Anyway, I'm having to rethink things for my mystery, but that's why I'm still in the drafting stages, right? This is just the stepsheet, and I don't know if this will reflect the final stepsheet, and it definitely won't look like the finished product. No worries though, I'm enjoying the process. I'll get some work done tonight, some tomorrow, but not a lot. I have two days off to rest, and I need it after a hectic two weeks at work. I also needed the hang-out time with my friends and my brother.

So that's a summation of my life, but as always, not even scratching the surface.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Network Neutrality-Make yourself heard!

Ok, so this is a rather serious issue, especially for us bloggers! Read the article:

News from PC Magazine: Coalition Sounds Off on Net Neutrality Legislation

http://www.savetheinternet.com/=map Then go here to see where your rep. stands. KEEP THE INTERNET NEUTRAL!

Let me reiterate, this is called EXTORTION! But if you have half a brain, you'd understand that, since you've already read the article.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Goals are good

I have set a goal to get Act 1 of my stepsheet complete by next Thursday. It might be a lofty goal, but I have to start somewhere. I don't know what my different acts will look like, so I don't know what my next goal will be. Let's see what happens.

In the mean time, Pandora is awesome. Gabe mentioned it in an earlier post on his blog. I enjoy listening to music that I like.

If you are in to podcasts, check out Lynchland at liamlynch.net. I find him quite humorous.

Being at work after my vacation isn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I still want to write full time and quit working at the store. I don't dislike my job, I just enjoy writing so much, and my job gets in the way.

Gabe says he won't talk about relationships in his blog, well that's his choice, I however STARTED this blog as a vent for my frustrations with women, so Gabe, thank you for sticking to your choice, but I'm going to continue to open up the anonymous public about my love-life, or lack-there-of. But not now because there's nothing to say.

You would think that the spellcheck on blogger would recognize "blog" as a word. It doesn't, though. Unless it learned it when I told it to.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Back from London

Everyone wants Pictures! Ok, so I have some up on Flickr.com. I won't be able to get them all up this month, but I'll let ya'll know when I get more up. Check it out! There's not much to tell about the trip, I got the research done that I'd gone for, other than that, there's not much to say. Nothing important happened. As funny annecdotes appear in my mind, I might share stuff, but probably not. This month, enjoy pictures I took of the Peter Pan statue in Hyde Park.

I have to say, I haven't walked that much in a long, long time. I probably walked 40 miles over the week, maybe more! I really enjoyed the public transit system too. Much better than RTD in Denver. Love it!

My London Photos

Monday, April 10, 2006

I'm going to ENGLAND

I get to go on my VACATION today! And I'm going to ENGLAND!! I'm SOO EXCITED! I just need to pack and get my cash stuff taken care of, then I have to wait until my flight leaves at 8:30 tonight. WOO HOOOOOO!!!

Monday, April 03, 2006

Dreams

I put very little stock in them. However, I had two very weird ones last night, and one of them threw me for a loop. In one of them, I saw an old friend of mine who is recovering from an eating disorder, and it was nice to see her again in the dream, but that once didn't last very long and is of little significance. In the other one, I was at church, a band was playing some really "emotional" worship song in a minor key (Christian Cliche), but I was really getting into it, humbling myself before God, curled up on the floor crying while I prayed. I felt a movement and looked over. A friend of mine who I haven't seen in over two years was sitting next to me, praying. I have a tendency to just notice things around me, so I thought nothing of her kneeling next to me, and I turned my attention back to praying. But after a moment, I realized that she'd seen me praying, and she moved closer to minister to me, putting her arms around me and saying softly something to the affect of, "let's pray together." I can't remember exactly what she said, but I knew she wanted to MINISTER to ME! Totally selfless! I just put my arms around her and wept, I prayed with her, and then the dream ended, I think.

I woke up more than a little upset, realizing that I'm still alone, but I was happy because I had a revelation.

You see, I've been shying away from the idea of a relationship for many reasons, not the least of which being, I don't know how to keep a relationship focused on God. I know how selfish I am, and I think that's a big reason why Sara and Elizabeth broke up with me, despite what they might say. But if the girl I'm courting is praying with me, and I'm praying for her, and doing everything I can to minister to her, then that at least will help keep my focus on God.

What does this mean for me? It means I'm going to be depressed for the next couple of weeks really wanting a relationship again, but I won't get one because I'm still too terrified of rejection. But I know I want someone to pray with, and not a guy. I want something different.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Stream of Conciousness part 2

She wore a black trenchcoat, her red curls falling out from beneath the hood. She watched me as I strolled into the alley from the street.

"We appreciate your patience," she said in a low voice as she handed me a large manilla envelope. "Your instructions."

She moved past me to leave, but I grabbed hold of her arm. She drew a gun, I knocked it to the ground. "Understand," I glared at her, "I don't exsist. You may not have been warned, but I work on my own and I'm not to be observed." She glared at me as I made my speech, but I forged ahead. "I can tell this is your first agent encounter, and I'm unique. If I see you before the completion of the assignment, be asured you will die. You are to await my return at the designated location. Do you understand?"

Her jaw tightened defiently, but she nodded. I released my hold and the redhead disappeared. I took back streets to my flat, avoiding the light as much as possible. The rain pounded relentlessly as I laid out the contents of the envelope on my desk. A picture of a greased-up pig was attatched to the file, labeled Slockov.

It appeared a Russian gang had kidnapped the Irishman's daughter. Bad news, if you knew the Irishman! Explained why I got the job.

I opened a small white envelope on the bottome of the pile. I found two thousand dollars, US, starter cash for expences; and ten thousand pounds, UK, a downpayment on my fee.

I scanned through the files again, check my watch, and decided to pick things up in the morning. I'd need to get an American passport.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Giles is no more.....

I have cancelled my MySpace account because it pisses me off. I hate it like a five-star chef hates fast-food. It goes against everything I stand for.......well not really, but still, I hate it. The end, the deed is done.......stop bugging me.

Monday, March 20, 2006

It's weird how God can do stuff.

I never noticed His hand moving in me until I looked back, and it took some drastic revelations to see what I saw. He is awesome, and I say Halleluia, thank You for loving me. I pray that I may honor You with my life each and every day. Thank You for keeping me within earshot of Your Voice, and for using me to bless people even when I don't see it. Thank You so much for everything You have done for me, especially since I don't deserve them.

I believe humans have a God ordained obligation to be 100% honest at all times. I strive to meet that obligation, and I can see times when I've fallen short, not in telling falsehoods, but in withholding the truth. God has forgiven me, and the people I have "wronged" have recieved due appologies. I beleive I can look back and say that any harm I have caused anyone has been taken care of on my part, and it is now up to them to forgive me, and that's between them and God.

God, thank You for keeping me safe from great harm that could have "ruined" my life. Thank You for keeping me faithfully coming back to You, even when I did screw up, and thank You for forgiving me when I have screwed up. Thank You for loving me. Please help me to give You glory and honor, to bring others to praise You, and when they praise You, please let them forget me, so that I may be the young colt, and You triumphant King entering the city. God, bring glory to Your Name, and humble me. I come to You, not with my voice raised and my hands in the air, but my head bowed in suplication, on my hands and knees, submitting to Your Majesty. You are my great God and I will serve you until the day I die! Once again I pledge my life to You, it it Yours to do with as You Will.

Not mine, but Your Will be done!


Religion has no value in a world full to bursting with hurting people. Religion has never satisfied any need, nor will it ever. Relationships are the only way to help people, and not just the poor, but the rich as well. A relationship with Yeshua (that's Jesus in Hebrew) is the only true peace we can receive in this place. Jesus is not found in going to church, giving money, moving to Africa, and while all those things are good, they do not bring you into a relationship with Him. I knew this many years ago, and I am learning more every day. I am beginning to understand some of what a relationship with Jesus entailes. I know I'll never get it until I reach Heaven, but what I'm learning, though it doesn't make me rich, or even happy, it brings me peace. I continue to struggle in life, and I continue to seek God, and I continue to find Him. I wish I had a better way of explaining that, a way that would help you to understand, but I don't. I get it in how it relates to others, I can only see how it might relate to me. Please understand, religion is not what I seek, but a true Relationship, based on servanthood toward the One i love.

I could go around in circles with this all night, but I won't. Please know I'm praying for you, and that God loves you, and He desires a relationship with you. The ball's in your court. Ask me questions. If I don't know the answer, I'll find out.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Jury Duty

I got summoned, but I'll have to get posponed do to travel plans. It's inconvenient for me. But oh well.

I've had a really bad week, and it doesn't show any signs of getting better. I'm not sure why it's so bad, it just is. My week is really sucking! But that's life, huh?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

What's that smell?

It's my CLEAN ROOM!! Ok, so there are a couple of piles of paper, but that can't really be helped; I don't have a filing cabinet. I got everything vacuumed, though. And I got rid of whatever was making that stale smell.

I love having a clean room :)

Saturday, March 04, 2006

An organization of the mind

So, I'm getting all confused again. I start to get a swing going, and then everything gets really busy and I lose "control" of my mind. I can't focus, can't really get anything done. I can hardly get this blog going. Hmm......I really want to get my thoughts organized. Every time I sit down to do something, my brain shuts down. I wish I could meet with people on a weekly basis to discuss my writing. Gabe and Steve have been so busy with their lives and Julie is really busy with her stuff, so that elliminates all of the "resources" for my inspiration. What to do....what to do......hrmm. I know it'll work out when I just stop being lazy :)

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Stream of conciousness.

I order another glass of beer, look around the room and wonder where everyone has gone. I feel alone in this small, dark bar. What day is it? I think it's Friday, some time in March. Smoke is floating slowly toward me from a table in the corner; cigar and pipe officianadoes. Ooo! that redhead is attractive, I wonder who she's meeting. I think it started raining again. The juke box is making too much noise, I think somebody really likes soft rock. I'll have to go put on a few good songs. The redhead looks at me as I walk over the dance floor. Past the pool tables, a band is setting up. I think they're Irish Punk. I put a few quarters into the juke box, pick a few Classics, is that raspberry I smell? A hand touches the small of my back, auburn hair brushes my cheek. "The moon smells of red shamrocks," a soft voice whispers in my ear. The hair on my neck stands on end, "But the stars taste like whiskey," is my reply. "Meet me in the alley in five minutes." She's gone before I can get another look at her. I've been waiting for two weeks, now The Office has a job for me.........

Stay Tuned

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Ask me if I like "Stained"

So, it's been a while, but here's another post for you to set your claws into. I've been consumed with my thoughts this week, just lots o' little stuff runnin' round me brain, like lepruchauns! Anyhoo, just thought I'd put sometin up. I'm waiting for my turn to take a shower so I can go to bed. I have a day off, and I probably won't reallyget much done with my writing, but I want to get a couple more characters created by the end of the day. I have lots o' other stuff't needs doin'.

Enjoy my day off :D

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Three in a row

New FC up. Enjoy.

Here I am again.

Ok, so I'm sitting here at 3:30pm wondering what the heck I'm going to do tonight. I really don't have anyone to hang out with, and since I've actually been writing all day, I want to get out of the house. I want to do something with someone, but who could that be, I wonder. I don't like the idea of nightclubs, and I don't want to spend any money. Ho hum, I'm sure I'll figure something out.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Haha, iWhat?

VG Cats Ok, so I'm a pretty big Apple fan, but you have to admit, this is pretty funny.

Monday, February 20, 2006

My biggest problems....

Ok, so I almost paniced this morning because as I was digging through my files, I came accross my passport and I decided to look at it, since I'll be using it in a couple of months. I flip it open and discover that it did not expire in 08 as I previously believed, but may of 03! Now I have to get a new one. It's not a big deal, really, just something else to consume my time.

But I started thinking, if my biggest problem in life is running around trying to get my passport so I can travel abroud, then I have a rather easy life. No, I don't have a lot of money, but I'm not really stressing out about that. God has always provided for me, and He always will. So, I'm feeling a lot better than I did this morning, just going through and reality checking my life.

Thank you God for all the blessing You have given me:)

Saturday, February 18, 2006

People confuse me

Ok so, it's been colder than a witches brass monkey the last couple of days, and it was really slow on thursday at my store, really busy today and yesterday. I don't get it, the weather wasn't really any better any of those days. So....except for having to make half&half runs yesterday and today, it's been a good couple of days. I made a good deal in tips yesterday, and almost ten bucks today! Fun fun, I'm in a good mood.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

New post!!

Ok, Flatiron City has a new post up, two weeks in a row too!!! Wow, I never would have thought I could do that. Think of what could happen if I truly committed to it again! Lol, enjoy it, if you please.

:-)

----edit 10:34 pm----

So I didn't get any work done on my mystery project today, I went in to the place where I work to get some coffee and warm up, pick up a mystery so I can actually read one (it's been a long time since I've read one, but I watch a lot of them on TV), and think about/create more characters. I got caught up in conversation with a couple of my coworkers, a regular customer, and my own wonderings about what I should be doing with my life. But I DID get something up for FC! And that makes me somewhat happy.

I just feel so caught up in everything else that is or isn't going on in my life. Everyone I know still seems to think that I need a girlfriend, and I'm starting to believe them again. I don't want one, though.....at least....I don't want to work for one, and I won't make someone do all the work in a relationship, I'm not shallow. Be that as it may, I don't want to put any energy in a romance.

I don't have any problem putting effort into friendships, investing myself in ministry, working my butt off for my writing, but that's about it. My heart is so strongly drawn to God right now, an that sounds sooooooooo "perfect little christian boy-ish" of me, but it's true. I don't have anything against relationships. I just want to honor God with my life.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Now it gets hard

Ok, so I have a detective, a villian, a victim, and a scapegoat (to connect the detective to the murder). Now I have to flesh out a cast of three dimensional characters, and this is going to be a rather large cast, I think. The hardest part is deciding who and what I need.

I know I need to have a romantic interest for the hero, and I have an idea for that. I need a mentor, and I have an idea for that one too. I guess I'll start there and see what happens after.

Stupid fscking relationships!!

Ok, so I signed up for eHarmony again, and I got matched with someone in another state because I decided not limit the search radious. My third match wants to talk....SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME!!! Now, don't confuse this with excitement.....because I'm more irritated that I can't talk back. I can't afford the stupid $60 a month fee, and I sure as heck am not going to sign up for a year at this point. Aghh, I can't even answer her "five questions" without signing up. And I don't just want to close the communication. I don't want to be rude.....and I know I'm looking to hard at this, but these are real people here. I'm not desparate for a relationship, wich makes me wonder why I signed up again...GABE!

I don't really want a relationship, but now that I've truly said that, and I know that I mean it from the bottom of my heart, God is going to hit me with one >:P All I want to do is serve God somewhere in the church and write as much as I can. I don't want to get married....or even have a serious relationship, and I'm not so shallow that I'm going to look for "friends with benefits" because that's just stupid. At least I'm writing now. Aghh human interaction is way to complicated! I'm not good at utterly selfless, and it suck being totally selfish......what do I do? I'm frickin broke, I haven't even gone to college.........wow, this is bugging me pretty badly. I guess I'll laugh about it while I fume all day.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Detoure

So, we have a project up on Quill and Think, but I'm not feeling it. I really don't have much of a desire to write what's been asked, but I probably will write it because I could use the practice. I find myself wanting conversation again. It's one of the things I've been really enjoying about reading Don Miller's works, he writes almost as if he's talking with you.

My relationship with God is getting better, I have to say I've haven't felt this close to Him in a long time. I want to keep it up, it feels like a relationship again. On that note, I'm getting the desire for great conversation again. My new friend Julie kind of releaved that desire the couple of times that we hung out. She's very artistic, one of those people to keep an eye on for great work to inspire the soul. Anyway, I want someone to chat with. Deep conversation. You know, intelectual intimacy. I really love talking with God, by that I mean praying, meditating, and reading His word. I want to talk with someone about it though. I want to talk about the things that get my heart racing. And I want to listen to them, pray for them, find out what makes them praise God. So, I'm writing this blog, trying to figure out what I should do tomorrow.

I guess that's why I want to go to a club so much. I want human interaction, but clubs won't get that for me, church seems to fall short as well. And I'm going to show up late, so bummer there. I don't want to be late to church, but if I don't go late, Gabe doesn't have a ride, and that's not acceptible either. So, I won't get to hang out with people before, maybe after. I'm not sure why I go out of my way to write this stuff, though. I only have two readers, and one of them is Gabe, so I'll pick you up at 6:-)

Sometimes.....

I amaze myself. Not to say that I'm increadible at what I do, just that I get something accomplished when I don't always intend to. I got a post up for Flatiron City, but I didn't expect to this week. And it's pretty long, and I'm happy with it. Not to say it's great, it could probably use work, but it's up, and that's what matters at this point in the evening.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Whoa!

Wow, busy week. I've had a great deal on my plate. I can't believe how much I've gotten done and how much I still have to do. What a busy little bee I have become. I love having a "full" life. I just wish I wasn't so lazy, then I could get even more done. I don't feel stressed though, so I still have room to breathe.

Hoo.........need to get stuff done.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

A prayer

Dear Lord,

I come before you in praise. I want to thank you for everything you have given me, from the little things such as a good night of sleep last night, to the large things, like my job, family, friends, home, and especially for the salvation of my soul. The gratefulness I feel is dificult to put into words, but I know you know my heart.

When I think of the things that I have, I feel so utterly selfish, because even though I have been extraordinarilly blessed, there are things I still want. But I'm tired of asking for things for myself. To begin, I would like to pray for my family: Thank you so much for providing for them and blessing their ministry. Thank you for the encouraging example my parents have been to me over the years, and for blessing their marriage to keep them together for twentyfour years, and counting:-). Please continue to provide for them and give them an abundance to be shared with the people you bring into their lives. Please continue to use them to glorify you. Please be with my brothers as you guide them to their futures. Please help them to see your hand in their lives, and show them how you will use them. Please draw them closer to you so that they will be leaders in every aspect of their lives. Please provide loving wives for them, women who seek to honor you as much as, if not more so than they do. Please bless them.

For my friends: I have so many of them, believers and non-believers alike. Please use me to minister to them, and if you have any reserved blessings for me, please use them for my friends. I have enough already, and so many of them need it more. Help them to follow you, to seek you with every aspect of their lives. They have been there for me so many times, and I feel so fortunate to have been blessed with people who seek you, who challenge me to seek you, and for the little chances that you give me to shine your light. I don't know all of their needs, but you do, and I ask that you please provide for those needs, and even give them the deepest desires of their hearts in accordance to your desire for their lives. God, my two closest friends, though they have people in thier lives, seem so lonely, they desire to be married, and I know you know this, and you have the perfect person planned for them, so I ask that you please fill them up to bursting with your love, joy, and at the very least a contentedness to wait for your perftect timing. And please be with their future wives, just as you are with my brothers', and give them the wisdom to know the path that you would have them follow.

For the friends that I have hurt, I don't know the extent of the damage I have caused in the twenty one years of my life, but I pray that you will be just and give them what they deserve, even if it means taking form the share you have set aside for me. God, I want to honor you with my life, and that is all I need. You have given me so much, all I ask for myself at this time is that you give me enough wisdom to follow you, to honor you, and to not screw up as I have in the past.

God, take me and use me. Make me a tool for your work. If I am not willing, I am at least willing to let you make me willing. I don't want to wait for the future, but I don't have much of a choice:-) Please give me the patience I need. God I love you, and I pray that you will bless everyone in my life, who ever has gone from my life, and whoever I will meet in the future. God please take my selfish heart and mold it to reflect you.

I am nothing without you, and I thank you for loving me.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Uh-oh, here we go now.

I feel stretched in too many directions. People want me writing for their projects, and I have to write for my projects....Flatiron City is up again. I'm hoping to get my murderer completed for the mystery I'm writing. I should have a pseudo-final bio for him/her by the end of the day. Not much else to say. Work is cool. I'm excited about my trip to England.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I can only imagine

I was walking the mall that I work at, and I walked by an arcade/restaurant/bar/bowling alley/billiard hall (whew), and I noticed a very familiar song playing overhead, I Can Only Imagine, by Mercy Me. I was so stoked....that's awesome. So is God. That's all I really have to say.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Update from the Ellery Queen

I just checked out the Ellery Queen's website, and their submission standards are quite simple. All I have to do now is purchase a few issues, study them, and write a story to submit. SWEET. This will be fun, and hopefully it will get my name out there. I'm not worried about making money at this point, but it would be cool. They pay 5 to 8 cents a word (that's right, Gabe, they still pay by the word :P) Anyway, that's all for now.

*o*

Ha ha ha....So eHarmony has a new feature. They explain what your "ideal match's" personality will be. I answered those questions as truthfully as I could, but apparently, I'm supposed to marry someone who is very conservative, avoids pop media to remain pure....but someone who wants to be rather sexually active. I know for a FACT that I don't want to marry someone who avoids the media. I love pop/rock, movies, some TV, a lot of "controversial" books and so on. Whoever I marry needs to share my love of conscious expansion.

That's all.

No it's not. I seem to be lacking greatly in my posts. I feel so scatterbrained, as if I can't organize my thoughts well enough to post something decent. I don't want to just give up and leave ya'll hangin'. I enjoy writing, and I'm looking forward to having new work. I'm going to solicit a couple of magazines to try and sell some short stories. Something like the Ellery Queen (I think I spelled the name right). So with that said, my new project that I'm working on is.......A MURDER!! Myster:-) I'm not going to kill anyone, not a real person, just one of the many people living in my head. Admit it, you can't be a successful writer without being slightly scitzo. Anyway, I'm writing a murder that takes place in London, hence the change of plans for my Vacation. Ha ha ha. Giles is no longer a fantasy writer. I'll return to my first love, but I want to write mysteries. YAY, excitement.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

full time...WTF?

I have three writing projects going on at once....I should be getting paid for this. Not that I would pay to read what I wrote....well maybe, but still. I just feel like I'm spending all of my free time writing, which is good because I'll actually get better this way. I can actually type quickly again too. So, that's it, I just feel like I'm writing full time now, even thoug I'm at a dead end in two out of the three projects. That's only temporary:-)

Monday, January 09, 2006

?

Wow, all of a sudden I've become slightly overwhelmed with writing projects. The group I'm a part of has an assignment out this week, and because I didn't post last week, I need to get something up for Flatiron City. Pluse my new project....wow, I have a lot to do. On the bright side I've been rather consistent with my new project, getting stuff done that I actually want to get completed. I'm really enjoying this, and I can't wait to share it with people.

If I haven't told you what's going on yet, don't get offended, I'm just waiting until I have an idea of where I'm going. I want to think things out for a little while without "outside influences" getting in the way. I greatly value your oppinions when it comes to my writing, but I need to keep this inside for now. I have one person I am talking to, but that's because she's helping me with my research. In time, I will need my friends from Quill and Think to tell me where the flaws are, but if you know what's going on behind the scenes, you won't be as valuable a resource as I need you to be. This is my project, and I need your understanding and support. So, if you are at all hurt, please don't be. I need to do this my way, and I need time to think things through.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Not again

So, tomorrow I have a meeting scheduled with Kevin, my GM, and David, the Asst. Manager, to talk about things that have been going on in the Cafe at work. I'm really upset and ready to quit, that's how bad Tom's been lately. I don't know how to deal with this situation because I'm afraid Tom's going to try to turn things around on me and I'll get in trouble. Just pray for me, I need to get through the week.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

To Jolly ol' London I shall go

So I finally asked for the time off in April that I plan to use for my vacation to London. But wait, there's more!! I am going to do RESEARCH while I'm there. That's right, I am planning a new story. What's it about? I can't tell you because I don't exactly know yet. I have two or three people that I will recruit for the planning stages, but other than that, I'm keeping everyone in the dark!! HA HA HA!! Just keep this in mind, it'll be better than my previous book attempt...OOPS, ok so it is a book project, but I won't be posting it. Let it go.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year

Happy new year everyone. I had a great time at a party last night, lots of fun:-) Don't worry, I behaved.

Anyway, I have some good plans for the new year. Especially for Flatiron City! WOOT New year!