Monday, April 03, 2006

Dreams

I put very little stock in them. However, I had two very weird ones last night, and one of them threw me for a loop. In one of them, I saw an old friend of mine who is recovering from an eating disorder, and it was nice to see her again in the dream, but that once didn't last very long and is of little significance. In the other one, I was at church, a band was playing some really "emotional" worship song in a minor key (Christian Cliche), but I was really getting into it, humbling myself before God, curled up on the floor crying while I prayed. I felt a movement and looked over. A friend of mine who I haven't seen in over two years was sitting next to me, praying. I have a tendency to just notice things around me, so I thought nothing of her kneeling next to me, and I turned my attention back to praying. But after a moment, I realized that she'd seen me praying, and she moved closer to minister to me, putting her arms around me and saying softly something to the affect of, "let's pray together." I can't remember exactly what she said, but I knew she wanted to MINISTER to ME! Totally selfless! I just put my arms around her and wept, I prayed with her, and then the dream ended, I think.

I woke up more than a little upset, realizing that I'm still alone, but I was happy because I had a revelation.

You see, I've been shying away from the idea of a relationship for many reasons, not the least of which being, I don't know how to keep a relationship focused on God. I know how selfish I am, and I think that's a big reason why Sara and Elizabeth broke up with me, despite what they might say. But if the girl I'm courting is praying with me, and I'm praying for her, and doing everything I can to minister to her, then that at least will help keep my focus on God.

What does this mean for me? It means I'm going to be depressed for the next couple of weeks really wanting a relationship again, but I won't get one because I'm still too terrified of rejection. But I know I want someone to pray with, and not a guy. I want something different.

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