Friday, May 26, 2006

Light on the horizon?

Perhaps! I signed up for school yesterday. I'll be taking 12 credits at a local community college. Hopefully this will open more doors for me and I won't feel so stagnant. Anyway, that's about all I have to say. I'm going to school, I could use money for it, but I'm going to try and loosen up a lot, not be such a tightwad with my cash or my happiness.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Work sucks

My hours got cut again! That brings me down to 32 hours in a week, but since I'm FORCED to leave before the end of my shift on a couple of those, I'm cut down to UNDER 32 hours. That's the minimum for being full time, so if my manager keeps me that low for too long, I lose my insurence, and the moment that happens, I'm out the door! I won't tolerate the disrespect my company has shown me if they take away my right to live.

P.S. If anyone wants to buy a really nice home-espresso machine, let me know. We have one for sale in our cafe, and I really need to make the sale so I can get more hours.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Something

So I figured out a little of what's bothering me: I feel like I don't have anything to offer in any kind of relationship with anyone I know. That includes friendships. Gabe's and my friendship is different, same with Steve, but it seems that everyone at Satelite already has what I can offer from other sources. So that's it. That's the finger on the worthlessness feeling. I just don't have anything that anyone really needs.

Apparently.....

Running sound at church is an extremely high source of stress for me. Gabe is running it for me today, and I'd been feeling really out of sorts (see previous post and multiply by 10000000000). But the moment he said he'd do it for me, I felt much more at ease. I feel like I have a lot resting on my shoulders and I'm the only one who can carry the burden. I lay it down at the Feet of God and he picks it up and gives it back, with more weight than before. I don't know what to do. I've never been in control of anything, but I'm losing my sanity. I don't know how much longer I'll last.

It's that time again!

That's right, Giles is in a bad mood! It's time to go on a RANT again.

And to my two consistent readers, bear with me >:)

So, why am I pissed now? It's because I STILL don't feel like I really belong anywhere. It seems that anyone that I would be interested in getting to know already has a full life, no room for a real friendship with me! And guess what else, yeah, I want a girlfriend! Maybe it's that I want someone I can relate to, hang out with and stuff. I want to be able to talk to someone about this, someone who will talk back! I pray and I've even gotten pretty good at focussing on others while I pray, but this is STILL AN ISSUE! I blog, but that's like journalling, just writing stuff down, only people get to read it BEFORE I die. I know I can talk to Gabe and Steve about this, but they're going through the same stuff too.

And that's another thing. I wish I didn't care. I wish people could tell me their problems, and I just couldn't care less. Because then I would be able to blow off my own unimportant issues. But the fact that I care about other people makes me feel selfish when I feel this way, wich only serves to make me feel worse.

I want to just hide away somewhere where I don't ever have to come in contact with anyone ever again. I want to be a Rock and an Island. I don't want to have these unfulfilled desires, I don't want to care about other people, I don't want deal with everthing that's going on around me. I WANT PEACE AND I WANT TO BELONG AND I WANT TO MATTER!!!!!!!!!!

I want to do stuff that is going to make a difference or I just don't want to do anything. I feel much like Solomon, it's all worthless, will never mean anything, so eat drink and be marry. But I'm too poor to drink, and I sure as hell am not marry! I guess I still have food though.

I'm too the point where I just feel like ditching on everything tonight. I'm supposed to run sound at church, but I don't feel like going. I have to work on Sunday, and I don't feel like going. I just want to sit around and zone out. I'm sick of being responsible for myself, I'm sick of feeling like this and no one GIVING A SHIT!!!!!

If anyone cares, either they can't fix this problem, or they won't fix it. I know there are people who are worse off than me, but this is something that keeps happening, and it's partly because of my fucking work schedule. I work evenings and everyone else I know works days, but it's not like I'm invited to anything either. I find no solace in my writing, or in reading, or even in God. I go to Him first, laying everything before Him, but it still continues. I don't know what to do. Everyone is just too full to let me in. I don't have a home, I don't belong. I don't belong with my so called "brothers and sisters in Christ" and I don't belong in "The World". A man without a country.

And the worst part is, even though I want to skip out tonight, I know I won't. I'll go and I'll feel fine while I'm there, then I'll go home and I'll feel this way again. But who cares? I guess that's the point of this rant.

I just want something to make sence, or have someone to work this stuff out with, or............just to matter.

Depression is a bitch, and sleep, though necissary, will continue to avade the most important parts of my brain. I could sleep for a week and not feel rested. It's like nothing even matters, but habit will take control and I'll become the mindless drone once again and the few (17 weekly) who stumble across this excuse for a blog will be the only ones who know the difference. I can't do anything for anyone else, I can't make my own life better. It would seem that I live only to attempt to please God and show love to my family. That's worth something, but there has to be more.

I want more, I think I need more......or I might lose it all together. Somebody do something, I don't have anything to pull out of my hat, I don't think I even have a hat.

There's just me, but no one even knows that. But who cares, right?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bummed out

Ok, so last night I found out the church service that I've been really enjoying on Saturday nights is moving to Sunday nights. This really sucks, because I CAN'T get Sunday nights off. I'm not mad or anything, just really bummed. It's depressing 'cause it feels like I'll be getting kicked out of my home. It's like there's no real point in continuing to go either. That's how I feel, I'll still continue to go to my bible study on Thursday nights. I just have that, "I give up" feeling.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I hate math

And it's not like I'm bad at it either. I was doing quadratic equations in my head when I was seventeen. I just find it really BORING! But I need to study it so I don't get place really low when I start school this fall.

On another note, I finished scetching out Act I of my stepsheet....not finished, just done enough to do Act II.....but it was two weeks after my deadline:P Ok, that's all I have.