That's right, Giles is in a bad mood! It's time to go on a RANT again.
And to my two consistent readers, bear with me >:)
So, why am I pissed now? It's because I STILL don't feel like I really belong anywhere. It seems that anyone that I would be interested in getting to know already has a full life, no room for a real friendship with me! And guess what else, yeah, I want a girlfriend! Maybe it's that I want someone I can relate to, hang out with and stuff. I want to be able to talk to someone about this, someone who will talk back! I pray and I've even gotten pretty good at focussing on others while I pray, but this is STILL AN ISSUE! I blog, but that's like journalling, just writing stuff down, only people get to read it BEFORE I die. I know I can talk to Gabe and Steve about this, but they're going through the same stuff too.
And that's another thing. I wish I didn't care. I wish people could tell me their problems, and I just couldn't care less. Because then I would be able to blow off my own unimportant issues. But the fact that I care about other people makes me feel selfish when I feel this way, wich only serves to make me feel worse.
I want to just hide away somewhere where I don't ever have to come in contact with anyone ever again. I want to be a Rock and an Island. I don't want to have these unfulfilled desires, I don't want to care about other people, I don't want deal with everthing that's going on around me. I WANT PEACE AND I WANT TO BELONG AND I WANT TO MATTER!!!!!!!!!!
I want to do stuff that is going to make a difference or I just don't want to do anything. I feel much like Solomon, it's all worthless, will never mean anything, so eat drink and be marry. But I'm too poor to drink, and I sure as hell am not marry! I guess I still have food though.
I'm too the point where I just feel like ditching on everything tonight. I'm supposed to run sound at church, but I don't feel like going. I have to work on Sunday, and I don't feel like going. I just want to sit around and zone out. I'm sick of being responsible for myself, I'm sick of feeling like this and no one GIVING A SHIT!!!!!
If anyone cares, either they can't fix this problem, or they won't fix it. I know there are people who are worse off than me, but this is something that keeps happening, and it's partly because of my fucking work schedule. I work evenings and everyone else I know works days, but it's not like I'm invited to anything either. I find no solace in my writing, or in reading, or even in God. I go to Him first, laying everything before Him, but it still continues. I don't know what to do. Everyone is just too full to let me in. I don't have a home, I don't belong. I don't belong with my so called "brothers and sisters in Christ" and I don't belong in "The World". A man without a country.
And the worst part is, even though I want to skip out tonight, I know I won't. I'll go and I'll feel fine while I'm there, then I'll go home and I'll feel this way again. But who cares? I guess that's the point of this rant.
I just want something to make sence, or have someone to work this stuff out with, or............just to matter.
Depression is a bitch, and sleep, though necissary, will continue to avade the most important parts of my brain. I could sleep for a week and not feel rested. It's like nothing even matters, but habit will take control and I'll become the mindless drone once again and the few (17 weekly) who stumble across this excuse for a blog will be the only ones who know the difference. I can't do anything for anyone else, I can't make my own life better. It would seem that I live only to attempt to please God and show love to my family. That's worth something, but there has to be more.
I want more, I think I need more......or I might lose it all together. Somebody do something, I don't have anything to pull out of my hat, I don't think I even have a hat.
There's just me, but no one even knows that. But who cares, right?