Tuesday, August 08, 2006

.....from the heart

I struggle for words to tell you how I feel, and as I sit here to write, I just can't do it poetically, so here goes, from the heart, the ugly, simple truth.

I feel alone. I have family and friends, a handful of people that i trust, but there is still something lacking, I feel. I want something to fill the void, to make the pain go away. Pain is real, I don't know why, but the absence brings me to tears in ways that I never thought anything could. Small things make me long for something great, but it never comes. Movies bring desires, not unholy, just that tugging of my heart to find what's missing. I pray to God, "Take it away, let me be in peace. Fill me up so that I am content with you. God please, take away the pain."

I don't know what to do, the only solution to this problem seems years distant and very impractical for my current situation. I have school that I have to focus on, as well as my job. I am content with the current situation in my life, except in my relationship with God (as it should be, and I am seeking Him more than I have in a long time), and in this situation.

I hate the negative feeling, and I hate that I use this blog to be so negative, but it feels so trivial when I'm around other people, like I'm just trying to get attention, being selfish. But it still HURTS! Do you understand?

I see my parents so happy in thier relationship with each other, and I want that, but I don't. I want the desire to go away because I can't fulfill it, I don't have the power.

I feel so alone in my thoughts. it hurts, and I can't stop the tears. I may sound emo or whatever you want to call me, but this is how I feel, and if you don't like it, then piss off, I don't want you around. I'm not asking for advice, I know what I have to do, but it doesn't lessen the pain. I have to tell someone. Will anyone hear me? Does it matter if they do or don't? Who can do anything about this?

I am patient, more than willing to wait for whoever God has for me, just please take away the pain. Make it stop. God fold me in Your arms and let me know I'm loved by You.

I'm getting better at praying for others because I don't want to be selfcentered, so when I start feeling this way, I make sure that I'm focussing on my friends and family, praying for them and praising God for everything He's done for me.

This doesn't really help. Nothing does anymore. I need ...................................................................................
I don't know what I need. No, I do: I need peace. I need this to go away so that I can focus completely on Him. No distractions. GOD MAKE IT STOP!!