Saturday, February 24, 2007

A Prayer

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. "But seek first His kingdom and His rightousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 (awesome chapters, read them both)

God I thank You so much for the blessings that You have given me. I thank you for two and a half years (almost, anyway) of faithful work that I have done for Borders. I praise You for blessing me with that job when I didn't know where to go, and I thank You that You provided for me through that job for as long as You did. Now I thank You for giving me a job with my parents again. I never want this to be about money, but I thank You for the pay-raise. Please help me to be wise with the added finances. Please help me to work my hardest and do my best so that I will be a blessing to the family business.

Thank You so much for a family that really cares about me. Thank You for loving me enough to die for me, and thank You for saving me. Thank You for my friends; Gabe, Steve and Lauren, Steve, Jeremy and Sarah, Justin, and Emily. Thank You so much for everything.

I pray that You will help me to continually seek after You, and that my family and friends will seek after You. Please use me to bless the people around me, be glorified through me.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Nearly lost the plot

I'm confused again. I don't know what I want, but some part of me wants something. I can't figure it out....maybe I'm not ready to figure it out, or maybe I don't want to yet. I have too many important things to do and looking into that part of my life might get just a little to distracting.

I'm reading Ecclesiastis now. I love that book. It has so much wisdom in it. I need wisdom all the time:) Pray for me please.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I'm awake

I slept a LOT last night. It felt good. Anyhow, I'm not in my "tired depressed" mood anymore either. In any case, I'm glad to be awake today. I have some school work and some cleaning to do, then I'm going to go to work. One week left.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Tired as all get out

I only got four hours of sleep last night. Trying to think about anything that way is not easy for me. I'm exhausted and I don't know the best way to fix my stepsheet. I need my other copies that have been annotated by my friends, anyway. I have some improvements that I've already made, so that's good. I just want to spend more time writing. I'm too tired, though. I'm getting depressed, too. I did a good deal of school work today, but because I've been home all day, I feel as if I haven't done anything important. I'm looking forward to when I'll get to volunteer at the Children's Hospital. I want to go to bed, but I'm hungry. Feel's like a wasted day, but it wasn't. I don't want to be with people right now, but I don't want to be alone. I'm not that depressed, just feel really sleepy with that mild down attitude.

I can't think. I need sleep.

To Take in All I Can

So, Valentine's Day. Anything to say? I hung out with a friend.....yes that friend is a girl, but not my "girlfriend". We had an anti-valentine party. Not a pity party, though. We ate pizza, watched Ocean's 11 (the new version), drank blackberry mead (Rocky Mountain Meadery, Gabe, it's awesome!) and then we talked about spiritual stuff. I've been doing that a lot with her lately. Oh yeah, her name is Emily. We work together, I may have talked about her before on this blog. We won't be working together by the end of next week because I got a job working for my parents starting on the 26th.

Anyway, I had an epiphany one day and realized that God wants me to ask my friends how they're doing and then try to help them. I didn't pick Emily as the first person to ask, but that's how it worked out. As a result, I've been able encourage her and give her advice that has visibly produced growth in her spiritual life and her relationship with God. I tell you this to say, "God is wonderful because He has provided a way for ministry and as a result, one of His children is growing." Don't look at me, this is all God's doing. Yes I was faithful to do what I knew He wanted me to do, but it's still all about Him. A bonus to my faithfulness is that I have a good friend.

There is a lot to say about this friendship because it's complicated. I don't know that I want to say anything because I don't know how that will affect things. If I didn't have school work to do, I might go into more detail, but I'm feeling that tug telling me to get to work. Stupid boring work. I want to do other stuff.....and I'm going to today. I'll do my homework and then I'm going to work on my book. A final look through for the outline and a-writing I will go. I'll at least write the first chapter as I work on the outline. I need to write and FC won't cut it. I want to write about my characters.

Pray that God will be glorified through my life. Pray that I will strive to be selfless. Pray that God will give me wisdom and that I will heed it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I just don't know what's going on

Ok, so I've been really enjoying my time with my friends, and I've been good at keeping it mostly about them, however, I'm getting concerned with....well....myself. I don't want to think about myself, that's God's job. I need to be others-focused. It's hard, though, because I want to be married so badly, but I don't know how to be in a positive relationship and dare to ask for anything that I want. The friendships that I have right now are so great because I don't expect anything from the people around me, more accurately, I'm not asking for anything. When I factor myself into anything, I go into a downward spiral of selfish thinking. I just don't know how to do it, incorporate myself into the lives of others, get what I would like, but in a selfless manner with the sincere intent of bringing glory to God. I just don't know. There are things that I want, but I don't want to ask, on the one hand because I don't NEED what I would be asking for, on the other hand, I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of a definite no because I don't know if I would sink into selfish desire, and I'm afraid of a yes because I just don't know how I would react. I'm afraid of the change that that could bring about. I need wisdom from God. I know it will come, and I am patiently waiting. It's still confusing. I know God wants what's best for me, I know He'll provide for me, I just want to bring Him glory, and I'm struggling to keep my focus on that.

Friday, February 09, 2007

So that sucked

Smokin aces was a severly lacking in plot, logic, and good acting. Explosions are cool, but they didn't even do that well.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

A Lot to dodge

There is a lot of crap flying around me. I appreciate when my friends try to help me, but this is bordering on meddling and it's pissing me off.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Worthless words

It seems that regardless of what I do, I'm fighting an uphill battle. The scouter, charting unfamiliar territory, following a single light floating in the near-distance, close enough to feel the heat emanating from it, but unassailably beyond my grasp. And yet I follow, in the dark. My companions, if they exist, are just outside the sphere of illumination put off by the light, and so I climb amidst the stones and arrows, with a solitary light and my troubled thoughts for company.

I Corinthians 10:13 says that I no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. Well, this feels different. It seems that everybody around me can't comprehend what I'm going through, and believe me, I've tried talking about it. They tell me, "I just don't get it. I've never been there." Then they go on to quote the Bible the way a good Christian should. Not actually attempting to understand, just giving the surface answer. Regardless of whether or not what they say is true, it means nothing with that intent. The answer I'm looking for is genuine concern. If you're just telling me the "right" answer to feel like you've done something, but then you go on with your life, you didn't help. You should feel guilty for ignoring the pull at your conscience. Don't give me the perfect answer, I don't care. I can see through your facade, you're not authentic. I'd rather you tell me you don't have a flipping clue, but then stick around and pay a-f**king-tension!! If you've known me for any more than six months, you know my family medical history and the problems I can be prone to. Not that I'm in any physical danger, but I tend to blow things out of proportion and obsess until I go insane. Looking back at all those times, it's easy to see why the rest of the world looks at Christians as fake, hypocritical, and down right stupid. All we do is give the "right" answer and "leave it in God's hands". But He tells us to make disciples of all nations. If you're a disciple, the worst thing in the world is for your master to ignore you. If you haven't gone through something before, you want people to help you. Yes, God should be the person you go to, and we should always encourage the troubled in the world to seek Him, but we are called, nay commanded, to walk beside them. Love your neighbor. We have taken the path of the Pharisees and Sadducee's and stepped around the truly hurting, sweeping them under the rug, fearing that if the World sees them, they will think that we're just as fucked up as everyone else. Well, and pardon my language, we are fucked up. There's no way around it. If we weren't, we wouldn't need God, we wouldn't need each other, and we wouldn't live significant lives. I challenge you, even if I must climb alone, you do not. I will always be there. I will point you to God, but then I will sling your arm around my shoulder and carry you until you are able to carry yourself. The challenge, then, is this: do not force the people in your life to climb alone. Forget your own insignificant problems for just a moment and look around. There will always be someone hurting more than you, and you will always be hurting, so if you insist on doing it alone, remember that you can't do it. Help other people. Get off your ass and do something for someone else. God commands it. I can't say it enough. If you wait until you aren't hurting, it'll be to late.

As for me? I will serve the Lord. I will never be alone, the Light will always guide me and I will do my best to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I cannot see or hear my support, but that's not relevant. I can see God. Even if you paid attention to me, I don't know that I would rely on you because in the end, you will lose your strength and I don't want to cause you to fall. I'm stronger than you think because I have climbed on my own for so long. I know the life I lead, and I know it well. That's not to say that I am better than any of you, I just know that others cannot do this alone, so if there is anything I can do to help, I'll do it. Could I be helped? Probably. Aside from my parents and Gabe, few people have actually gone out of their way for me. I'm not complaining, I'm just making my point. Where are they now? Dealing with their own lives, either too busy to be here because they have a duty to God, or too preoccupied with their own troubles to notice who and what I am. And I hate to say it, but mom and dad, as much as I love you, you too are guilty of insincere answers. I know you wanted to tell me what the Bible says, but sometimes it comes across as simply trying to provide an easy answer, not easy for me, but easy for you. I cannot remember any times that I have committed this crime against my neighbors, but I am extremely good at forgetting my mistakes. That is to say, I guarantee you that I have done this, and probably many times. I will do my best never to do it again. People trust me, people I have never met, and I can't figure out why, but I cannot let them down. If I call on you for help, will you let me down? The day may come, and soon, when I will need support.

If you have read this far, I am truly shocked. My thoughts are as disconnected as I feel from everyone around me. I cannot form them the way I should. Please pray for me. God is on my side, just pray that I continue to follow Him.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Harry Potter, July 21

That's the official release date for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I guess I'll be ordering the International edition soon. Dang it, I'll have to quit my job if I want to be in England for the release. That won't happen. Oh well, now I have a time line for my costume for the work release party. That's right, I am a Harry Potter fan boy (doesn't hurt that I look like Daniel Radcliffe....the actor who plays Harry in the movies) :P I veil my excitement with mild sarcasm.

Edit: If anyone can find me a reliable site where I can order all seven books in the Adult UK Edition, I would be grateful.

Ireland or bust?

Ok, so there are only two seats left in the trip. I need to get an add/drop form from one of the teachers putting the trip together before they are filled or I'll have to get onto a waiting list. $800 is due by feb 14. Not a problem with the cash, it's the form that I might have issues with. I'm going to get one as soon as possible, and hopefully I won't be put on the waitlist. If I don't get to go, that's life. I'll be bummed, but God is in control and I am willing to do what He wants me to do. I can still go to Ireland on my own, or back to London for Spring Break, as I originally planned.

I'm getting ready to start writing my book. I just need to make sure the technicalities are worked out of my plot.

I'm special

My french teacher said that it should not be a problem if I miss those four classes. She knows I'm a good student and that I'll get my work done. If that wasn't going to be the case, I planned on taking a hit to my GPA. I wasn't going to pass this up. Now I just have to find out how to sign up.