Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I just don't know what's going on
Ok, so I've been really enjoying my time with my friends, and I've been good at keeping it mostly about them, however, I'm getting concerned with....well....myself. I don't want to think about myself, that's God's job. I need to be others-focused. It's hard, though, because I want to be married so badly, but I don't know how to be in a positive relationship and dare to ask for anything that I want. The friendships that I have right now are so great because I don't expect anything from the people around me, more accurately, I'm not asking for anything. When I factor myself into anything, I go into a downward spiral of selfish thinking. I just don't know how to do it, incorporate myself into the lives of others, get what I would like, but in a selfless manner with the sincere intent of bringing glory to God. I just don't know. There are things that I want, but I don't want to ask, on the one hand because I don't NEED what I would be asking for, on the other hand, I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of a definite no because I don't know if I would sink into selfish desire, and I'm afraid of a yes because I just don't know how I would react. I'm afraid of the change that that could bring about. I need wisdom from God. I know it will come, and I am patiently waiting. It's still confusing. I know God wants what's best for me, I know He'll provide for me, I just want to bring Him glory, and I'm struggling to keep my focus on that.