Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Worthless words

It seems that regardless of what I do, I'm fighting an uphill battle. The scouter, charting unfamiliar territory, following a single light floating in the near-distance, close enough to feel the heat emanating from it, but unassailably beyond my grasp. And yet I follow, in the dark. My companions, if they exist, are just outside the sphere of illumination put off by the light, and so I climb amidst the stones and arrows, with a solitary light and my troubled thoughts for company.

I Corinthians 10:13 says that I no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. Well, this feels different. It seems that everybody around me can't comprehend what I'm going through, and believe me, I've tried talking about it. They tell me, "I just don't get it. I've never been there." Then they go on to quote the Bible the way a good Christian should. Not actually attempting to understand, just giving the surface answer. Regardless of whether or not what they say is true, it means nothing with that intent. The answer I'm looking for is genuine concern. If you're just telling me the "right" answer to feel like you've done something, but then you go on with your life, you didn't help. You should feel guilty for ignoring the pull at your conscience. Don't give me the perfect answer, I don't care. I can see through your facade, you're not authentic. I'd rather you tell me you don't have a flipping clue, but then stick around and pay a-f**king-tension!! If you've known me for any more than six months, you know my family medical history and the problems I can be prone to. Not that I'm in any physical danger, but I tend to blow things out of proportion and obsess until I go insane. Looking back at all those times, it's easy to see why the rest of the world looks at Christians as fake, hypocritical, and down right stupid. All we do is give the "right" answer and "leave it in God's hands". But He tells us to make disciples of all nations. If you're a disciple, the worst thing in the world is for your master to ignore you. If you haven't gone through something before, you want people to help you. Yes, God should be the person you go to, and we should always encourage the troubled in the world to seek Him, but we are called, nay commanded, to walk beside them. Love your neighbor. We have taken the path of the Pharisees and Sadducee's and stepped around the truly hurting, sweeping them under the rug, fearing that if the World sees them, they will think that we're just as fucked up as everyone else. Well, and pardon my language, we are fucked up. There's no way around it. If we weren't, we wouldn't need God, we wouldn't need each other, and we wouldn't live significant lives. I challenge you, even if I must climb alone, you do not. I will always be there. I will point you to God, but then I will sling your arm around my shoulder and carry you until you are able to carry yourself. The challenge, then, is this: do not force the people in your life to climb alone. Forget your own insignificant problems for just a moment and look around. There will always be someone hurting more than you, and you will always be hurting, so if you insist on doing it alone, remember that you can't do it. Help other people. Get off your ass and do something for someone else. God commands it. I can't say it enough. If you wait until you aren't hurting, it'll be to late.

As for me? I will serve the Lord. I will never be alone, the Light will always guide me and I will do my best to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I cannot see or hear my support, but that's not relevant. I can see God. Even if you paid attention to me, I don't know that I would rely on you because in the end, you will lose your strength and I don't want to cause you to fall. I'm stronger than you think because I have climbed on my own for so long. I know the life I lead, and I know it well. That's not to say that I am better than any of you, I just know that others cannot do this alone, so if there is anything I can do to help, I'll do it. Could I be helped? Probably. Aside from my parents and Gabe, few people have actually gone out of their way for me. I'm not complaining, I'm just making my point. Where are they now? Dealing with their own lives, either too busy to be here because they have a duty to God, or too preoccupied with their own troubles to notice who and what I am. And I hate to say it, but mom and dad, as much as I love you, you too are guilty of insincere answers. I know you wanted to tell me what the Bible says, but sometimes it comes across as simply trying to provide an easy answer, not easy for me, but easy for you. I cannot remember any times that I have committed this crime against my neighbors, but I am extremely good at forgetting my mistakes. That is to say, I guarantee you that I have done this, and probably many times. I will do my best never to do it again. People trust me, people I have never met, and I can't figure out why, but I cannot let them down. If I call on you for help, will you let me down? The day may come, and soon, when I will need support.

If you have read this far, I am truly shocked. My thoughts are as disconnected as I feel from everyone around me. I cannot form them the way I should. Please pray for me. God is on my side, just pray that I continue to follow Him.

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